The Man Who Lost his Wings
by TheOtherHalfBloodPrince
Summary: I was once something great. Maybe I still am; maybe I simply need to find that greatness again, but I fear that it is lost. And if I am to accept that truth, it means that I am broken beyond repair. But what I am now is nothing greater than a man who lost his wings.


Do you know what it's like to spend your entire life fighting for righteousness and have everything fall apart when you are so close to winning? Because I do.

I don't know where I went wrong. I've tried so hard to fix everything, but it all collapses. Why did I fail? Was I not good enough?

I put too much faith in the false sense of my own infallibility, and it backfired. I have brought so much evil upon my brothers and sisters, and I couldn't fix it.

But there is no escaping the fate that has befallen me. I can not efface my wrongs -much to my displeasure, might I add. I must accept my new role, the one I have had so forcefully thrusted upon me without any knowledge as to how to fulfill it.

I was once something great. Maybe I still am; maybe I simply need to find that greatness again, but I fear that it is lost. And if I am to accept that truth, it means that I am broken beyond repair. But what I am now is nothing greater than a man who lost his wings.

I will never be the same again. It's too late. I am no longer the divine entity I once was. I am nothing more than a man now. I have become one with the creatures that have never failed to amaze me since their creation, but it is not at all how I imagined being one of them would be like.

There are so many emotions, all of them fighting for dominance inside of me, mixing together so that it is impossible to decipher one from the next. Who knew that so many feelings existed, much less that one could experience them all at once? And what's even more shocking is that there are so many more of them I have yet to know.

I long to know what each one feels like, especially the ones that make people smile. I want to know what happiness -is that what they call it?- feels like, though through observation, seems to have vanished.

Physical pain, however, is a completely different sensation from all the other feelings -that is what they're called, right?. The experience varies, depending on the injury. Sometimes, it's a mild sting, and others, it's a searing pain, almost like fire -or, what I assume fire feels like.

It seems so much weaker in contrast to the burden of emotional distress. It takes much longer to heal when the wounds aren't visible. I can't even describe the sensation of emotional pain. It hurts just the same as all other pain, but it cuts so much _deeper_. And it doesn't hurt the same way, either. It hurts on the inside, and I don't have the faintest clue as to how I can fix something like this.

I have never been able to fully understand the human race, and I find myself struggling even more now that I have become one of them. How can they live with all the impurities that this world possesses?

I see so many of my brothers and sisters among the humans, though I do not recognize them in their new vessels. Nonetheless, they are not hard to spot. They are the ones who don't seem to know what to do; rather than blend in with the rest, they hover close to the perimeter, unsure of how to act.

The only difference between us is our grace, or in my case, the lack thereof, and yet something unnoticeable to the humans is the one thing that separates us.

This is all so new to me: the hunger, the cold, everything. I am barely aware of how to acknowledge these, much less make them stop. Why can't I make them stop?

The worst part is the feeling deep inside my chest when I look around to see the other humans. They are never by themselves. Then, I look around and see that I have no one. After all, who would want to associate with the angel who aided in the falling of heaven?

But then I realize that the humans are blissfully unaware of my actions. And yet I am still alone. I don't understand. Have I done something wrong?

Everything seems to be my fault. I know that seems implausible -how can I be responsible for every flaw in this broken world? But the closer I look, I see so many things I could have fixed, and I long to repair them.

For one fleeting moment, I truly believe that I can, but then reality drags me back into its arms, reminding me of the one thing I lack: my grace, my essence. It defined me. It made me who I was, and I'm not sure I know how to function properly without it.

I miss my wings. Their absence makes me feel so empty -as though a part of me is missing. However, what is truly perplexing and oddly terrifying at the same time, is my newfound vulnerability. I can be sick; I can hurt myself. Everything poses a threat now.

The realization dawns on me that I will die one day. I have lived millions of years, and now I only have a few short decades until my demise. I fear how quickly that time will slip through my fingers, yet I won't realize it until I am faced with my last days -when I am unable to look to the future, only dwell on the past.

There was a time when I did good things. Where did that time go? I wish I could return to those days -the days when my biggest worry was the impending apocalypse threatening the mortal world I find myself trapped inside. Strangely, the imminent end of this world never truly scared me. Maybe that is because I would still be alive.

But what is the point of living if you are living alone? I have always been fond of the human race ever since my father first created them. Their strange ways never fail to fascinate me. They are so much simpler than the angels. My brothers and sisters are always bickering about the most trivial things -were always bickering about the most trivial things.

I sometimes forget what I have done, but the knowledge of my actions only leaves me for a fleeting moment. I don't think I will ever truly forget what I did. How could I have been so naïve? If only I could have foreseen Metatron's true intentions. Yes, then everything would be okay now.

But I can't fix this. Why can't I fix this? Why do I have to destroy everything? I have failed; I have disappointed the ones I care for yet again.

There is nothing that is not my fault.


End file.
